Thursday, September 15, 2016

Random thoughts

Sitting in the lap of sophistication,
Staring into a PowerPoint presentation,
I wonder what is the stage of my stagnation 
Is it due to sleep deprivation?
Oh, my mind has reached its saturation.

I shake myself into concentration,
Why do people love communication?
They keep reiterating trivial variations,
Their incessant talk pushes me to frustration.

I look for a mode of transportation,
That can take me to the land of meditation,
I wish I could escape from this thought destitution,
Drown myself into some music from a radio station,
My only hope for some relaxation.

Alas, I look at my location,
I am in a workshop with a limitation,
I focus on the voice with sweet connotation,
Will the blabbering ever have a direction?

Scribbling away my imagination,
Oblivious to my current situation,
Inviting stares from all direction,
Oops, I am the centre of attraction,

Smells from the kitchen tickle my sensation,
Dreamy is my state of realisation,
Thoughts of the yonder beckon my attention,
Its time to bid adieu to this rendition,
My Random Thoughts collection..

Saturday, June 18, 2016

a promise 5 year old

On a similar weekend 5 years ago came together two strangers into the bond of matrimony and life has been ever since...!

Ah, 5 years ago and it just seems like yesterday. Time has flown, I have grown, things around have changed yet it just seems like yesterday. Finding a match for me was never an easy task and my fickle minded decision making process only made things worse. One thing arranged marriage has taught me (even before I got married) was to be strong with your decisions and hold on to it all cost. In the midst of few very sorry moments came this match, a photo of a chubby guy wearing a t shirt that said "New York" (he still has the t shirt, I want to believe he loves to cherish it :p). Working in a company called Telcordia with a degree in MSC Software Engineering, I still don't understand how i gave a go ahead on this. You see I was looking at guys only with a professional qualification and MSc with my exposure at that age did not qualify, yet I went ahead thanks to the horoscope matching priest who said that this sambandham is to die for! Today, I thank my lucky stars for having said yes to meet the guy.

We met in the temple my favourite Parthasarthy temple, this guy came dressed in formals with neatly tucked in shirt. First look it took my breath away, the guy in the photo and the guy I was seeing were totally different and I liked the version I was seeing better, he had lost 10 kgs and was looking way toooo smart. If looks could kill (in a nice way) I was totally bowled over. To move on to how I looked, I was dressed in a fab india kurtha, pant and dupatta all of which together costed around 3K, wonder why I am talking about the cost.. you see my husband tells me it looked like pichakara dress (wonder why he still said yes) though I believed it to be well groomed professional way of meeting the guy. Introductions happened and we moved on to get a darshan of Govinda and all the while, I , was the only one stealing secret glimpses while he was totally focused on the conversations he was having with my dad. Another bowled over moment, it was big deal to me then that a guy would not give me a second look back then and this qualified him to the status of a gentleman.

We moved on and the families decided to allow us to talk. We went around the temple and the guy did a lot of serious talking, to be honest I dont remember any of it, but i do remember nodding and listening to most of it. He could communicate really well and I was so totally impressed that all I could do was simply listen and stare at him (I still do it most of the time, in my house the husband runs the show you see:D). Of course in the midst of all this I did my share to impress him and knowing the temple so well I did play a role of a gracious host. Later after becoming husband and wife when I casually asked him about that meeting he said, he felt being bossed around while I thought I was playing a role of a humble host! Looks like while i was drooling over his looks and his communication he had used his professional expertise to evaluate the "interview" and come to a decision. After marriage I also came to know how naive I had been, I did no research about this guy, had no agenda to discuss during the one on one, I had just taken it by the moment. My husband on the other hand had googled about me, looked into my profile, read my blogs (thank god I had blogged and written some strong opinionated post back then) and had come prepared with his expectations from a better half. They left and before my dad could ask I told them I was 100% in and I also told them I am not sure about what the guy would say as I hardly did any talking! In an hours time we got a go ahead from them as well to have another meeting. The wait began and 15 days after the first meeting things got formalised and finally we exchanged numbers.

We started talking and it was mostly my husband who did all the talking, you see I was still in that medapu.. he looked much smarter than the photo :P We met first time alone on valentine's day, for all those who know me I really dont care for such things but destiny had other plans, today I look forward to that day like any other love stricken female, as it is the day we actually met. Again totally impressed with all the gifts he presented that day, he came over to my office with a bouquet of flowers which I blushingly accepted (u got it right blushing as he gave the flowers in front of my office reception and all the receptionist were totally giggling), got a teddy bear, some chocolates, a jewel set and a cute greeting card. Too impressed I was tongue tied that day and again he did all the talking. Today when you talk to him he will tell you those were the only two days in which he did all the talking and I the listening!

Days passed and it was soon the wedding weekend. I was going about getting ready like any other bride but deep down I was a total wretch, nervous, short tempered, anxious and what not! It is only during your wedding you understand the feelings a bride goes through especially the last night as a spinster which she spends in her place before going to the mandap. When I told him what I was going through.. he very simply said that he can promise me a happy, enjoyable life with a very loving and sweet family and that I could be what I want. It did little to cool my nervous back then but today when I look back 5 years ago it was a big thing to promise, especially when we hardly knew each other. I am grateful that for all my vices (though they are small yet many in number) he has held on to his word.. and gives the freedom to be what I choose to be..

What can I say but be grateful to that force for choosing a smart and cute life partner for me. To him all I can say is thank you for being there not just as a husband, but as friend, a critic, mentor, a sponsor, a boss, a mirror that reflects me to myself.. and most of all thank you for keeping that promise 5 years old!!!!

I wonder if he so vividly remembers that promise, but thanks to this post he would never ever forgot it in his life. Its not very easy to have me as a life partner as i am truly a bundle of assorted emotions and sarcastic comments are my way of life to take it all in the stride is what makes him so loving and sweet. Am off to celebrate my day and I will give you an update may be 5 years later of a promise 5 years old...

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Is it worth all the energy...

At work I love to do a lot of talking, be it putting forth my ideas, debating about the rights and wrongs, explaining things, or just plain gossip and cribbing. I do all of it and I do it most of the time. Today was as usual at work, I had put forth my idea and it was shot down. I was asked to see the bigger picture. My first reaction was to crib. For the next hour or so, every human being that I met on the floor, I kept cribbing and went about telling how right I was and how wrong they were, my justifications were a lot and I was in a complete defensive mode (by the way thats my usual). Of course I did save my skin by putting a caveat to all those who care to listen 'may be they are right, but this is how i was taught to think, not sure what I am missing here'.

We went out for a team lunch and I got back home. With my defensive mode still "on", I took a phone call from my colleague at work, and he was one of those persons I had missed cribbing while at office. We discussed work and I started cribbing immediately, as I was talking I realised that I might have been on speaker (my boss's desk was just couple of desks away from this guy) and what if my boss was hearing the conversation!!?? At this thought the very tone of my conversation changed and I ended it on a positive note stating I was pleased with my role and felt it gave me a lot of scope to learn and grow. I am sure the guy was surprised with my sudden love towards the role. 

This incident kept lingering and got me thinking. Why all this cribbing? Why is the sudden change of tone at the thought that I might be heard by my boss? Why this facade? These questions kept haunting me.. and then I realised "what a disease, this cribbing is?". It gave me sense of being right and it helped my ego to remain intact. The right thing would have been to convince my boss about my idea without taking a "no" for an answer or to get convinced about the bigger picture he was referring to. These two options would have helped me gain out of the experience, instead I chose a lesser option of cribbing to satiate by ego. I realise that cribbing is nothing but an act of cowardice, the more I do the lesser I become, for all the opportunities to grow would be lost in the process.

So I told myself, the next time I catch myself cribbing, I will need to give myself a good shake and find a solution. Next time I hear someone cribbing, may be I will just let it be or may be I share this post and leave them with the thought.. "is it worth all the energy??!!!"

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Between 10 and 11

Love you so much!

I have a few very good habits (along with lots of good habits) that I follow, thanks to the teaching of my Guru, one such habit is to read something positive before I sleep. Today started like just another day and after almost a week took December issue of infini thoughts to read. Opened a random page and guess what it was a page of spotting 11 differences. Unlike the picture in the previous issues this one seemed to be very hard, the two pictures had around 200 cars parked and we need to identify the differences. I had seen the picture earlier but did not give it shot as I was too impatient. Well today I seemed to be more poised (could be on account of eating my own cooking for a whole day :D) and started identifying differences. Whenever I get into this game of identifying differences I always follow a process, I have a plan, I start from right to left, bottom up.. first row no luck and second row onwards differences seemed to be pouring.  Now my mind was playing tricks with me.. it kept tempting me with random thoughts but somehow today I continued to focus. All I had to do was see the two pictures right till the end and eleven differences seemed no big deal. As I spotted the 10th difference a very interesting thought came to my mind.

Isnt every aspect of life similar to what I had done now?

Mind being mind and mine being very impatient, it gave me a run of several instances, it was bursting with zillion thoughts. Isnt life all about staying in the moment, to focus one step at a time and hold on. Learning to ride a bike, put yourself through few months of training every day one at a time try to bridge the gap and a month later you are not a menace in the road. Learn to drive a car, learning a new language, picking up additional responsibilities, trying to solve an issue, entering a school, going to a college, stepping into the workplace, isn’t it all about putting yourself into the process in a planned manner and the process takes over and leads you to the destination. All I have to do is put myself through the process and everything is taken care. A child gets delivered when a woman puts herself through the process of pregnancy.

My guru always kept telling me focus on getting the process right results will happen. My husband kept telling me in the last few months enjoy the process as much as the result. This realisation dawned today between the 10th and the 11th difference.  Losing weight, becoming a marathon runner, cracking an exam.. guess it all boils down to getting a planned process in place and life will take over and carry me to the destination.

I have a world which hails number 11, with all these thoughts between the 10th and 11th difference, I cant agree more its all in the number!

I have a lot more very good habits to develop, looks like its time I come up with a planned process for each of them J.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

tuff times

Anger is a negative emotion. Getting angry has hazardous effect on the body. Acids and chemicals form compounds which are detrimental to the body. This is the biological part of it. There is also an ego issue associated here, many a times ego is the reason for anger not the issue per say. In all these circumstances a little bit of understanding of the way the mind thinks will help in becoming normal.
It’s very simple every time you get angry on a person or when seeing a person causes some irritation or creates negative vibes… remember this ‘THE KEY FOR YOU GETTING ANGRY SHOULD BE WITH YOU AND NOT WITH THAT PERSON’.

You are in a very good mood doing your work and some interaction with “A” person spoils your mood or worse makes you angry remember the above sentence (it’s with a reason I have put it in bold capital letter).

Allow your ego to work here, let your ego ask you does this person have the power to spoil my mood.. just a little manipulation with the ego and peace is guaranteed .

Beware it’s like holding a two edged knife, if you don’t know to handle it you might perish with it. Give it a thought if ego is used rightly may be it will guarantee some peace to you and the environment around you.

Thanks to the “A” person I have vented out in this post and I will implement this the next time I meet the “A” . I sign off with a thought in my mind and heart, hoping.. ‘Tuff times don’t last put tuff people do’ (you know what I mean by times…)!!!

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Putting up...

So crowded, so cramped, no space, no time.. thats how my head has been for sometime now. You become the environment you surround yourself with. Put up with it long enough and it becomes a part of you so much so that you feel a lot of discomfort when you let go of it.

I got a new slipper few months back, local brand (which means the rate sticker is stuck on the sole facing us and we invariably avoid to rip it off as our feet will anyway cover it). I continued using the slipper with the sticker on it and each time i wore it, it would prick and i would chose to ignore. This continued for a long time, the sticker poking and i choosing to ignore. (dont ask me why i did not chose to rip it off and save you from the agony and pleasure of reading this post!! :) ). Today after a month i removed the sticker and now the slipper no longer hurts.. but my mind which is so tuned to the discomfort is now not able to take the comfort even though it is good for me. It feels weird and distracted.

My office system has a mouse connected to it. Over the last six months the mouse is posssessed (thats how my collegues call it). It does not listen to  me.. if i want to open one file it will always chose to ignore me. I want to move a mail from inbox to a folder it always defies me by going into an unintended folder. Again not sure why.. i have put up with this mouse for the last six months. Today (the day for all realisations) i replaced it with another collegue's mouse and the result.. again it feels weird as there is no longer a war between the mouse and me.. it so willingly abides to my wishes.

In both the instances the only thought in my mind was i had put up with a wrong for a while and today the wrong has become a part of my life. Trying to let go and changing feels so different and uncomfortable.

So putting up with something (i am using the word in a negative connatation), putting up with something for sometime make it our second nature. However small be it, i will decide to respond to things rather than putting up with it.

Putting up indeed pulls you down!

Monday, February 13, 2012

Feb the 13th

The number 13 is generally considered inauspicious.

A year ago, this very day i got informally engaged to Kamal my husband. Ours is an arranged marriage, that happened after matching horoscopes and doing background checks. I had but met my husband only once before and we spoke hardly for half hour and we got engaged. Thats it!!! you might ask, heee thats it.....

Funny, most of the half hour went in introductions and getting to know each others background, schooling, likes/dislikes.. and phew.. both of us were happy to take the relationship to the next level. Today a year later when i sit back to wonder (dont ask me what my husband is doing while i find time to blog about our special day :| ) how it all happened.. i am still clueless. A year ago this day i was clueless of what to expect from this relationship that i was getting into and today i am clueless as to how i took such a clueless decision a year ago.

Do i what that day back to think differently??? definitely not. As a child i was a firm believer of arranged marriage, reason no exposure to love marriage. As i grew up i still held the belief close to my heart.. but some how few instances and few circumstances led me to think otherwise. It was a time when i was questioning the culture of arranged marriage (of course in mind). Questions like how would you know if this is the guy? how can a few meeting help me decide my life partner? how will i know if we both will get along together? the most dominant one of all was.. how will i know if i will come to love, respect and admire the guy? You might ask with so many questions why go for arranged marriage.. The answer though ego shattering is very simple i could not find the guy on whom i went head over heels!!!!

All the while the "elders" of the house kept telling me that there is nothing called made for each other in real world, there is nothing called love at first sight (given the kind of intellectual and analytical creature that i am, the possibility of this was very remote) no ready made formula to become the most loving and ideal couple. The younger couples (recently married/ committed ones) kept telling me that when you see the guy it just happens, you know that this is the guy for you... they made it sound very intuitive. If there is one thing that all these talks could do to me.. it made me more confused than ever. My questions starting with "HOW" only increased day by day.

Then the most obvious question in your mind is how did i say yes to Kamal. Did light burn, bell ring or one of that ballet background music surface as i met him.. what was the indication??? So here is how it goes, the photo that Kamal had shared with me before we met was not one of his best (though he thinks its good) seeing that photo and then seeing Kamal made a huge difference. He looked hundred times smarter than i had expected him to be, that was bails out!!! I hate when guys take sneak peeps at a girl.. Kamal looked at me only when we had direct conversations, otherwise his eye contact was only with the person he spoke (i seriously lost a stump for this..). When our half hour started we both started of with random topics and it seemed we had few things in common and one most important thing was GS and Bangalore (lost another stump... :D ). We met at the Parthsarathy temple, finally after we spoke and as we were coming in i could see aarthi being shown to the main God (so light did burn with him next to me) and when i stepped in the dhwajasthambam bell rang (bells did ring) and the final stump too had to falter and take the ground at this stroke and i lost the final stump.

So reading all this what do you understand??? Firstly you should realise that i have been forced to hear a lot of cricket.. sometimes it starts as early as morning six o clock and ends as late as night eleven o clock. Secondly some how what your better half likes does rub into you :D.

In this one year what is it that i have learnt about arranged and love marriage. Be it love or arranged.. marriage is coming together of two different personalities. Oooops got the text book definition, sorry guys will try again. Be it love or arranged marriage it takes two people to make it work. My guru had once said marriage is a life long journey of understanding, loving, knowing and discovering with two people and i cannot agree more. Whatever be the tag attached to the word marriage (love/arranged/forced) it is the thing, that makes two lives beautiful only until in agreement.

It is a beautiful celebration...13th Feb.. the most auspicious day of my life shall be.. !!