Thursday, September 15, 2016

Random thoughts

Sitting in the lap of sophistication,
Staring into a PowerPoint presentation,
I wonder what is the stage of my stagnation 
Is it due to sleep deprivation?
Oh, my mind has reached its saturation.

I shake myself into concentration,
Why do people love communication?
They keep reiterating trivial variations,
Their incessant talk pushes me to frustration.

I look for a mode of transportation,
That can take me to the land of meditation,
I wish I could escape from this thought destitution,
Drown myself into some music from a radio station,
My only hope for some relaxation.

Alas, I look at my location,
I am in a workshop with a limitation,
I focus on the voice with sweet connotation,
Will the blabbering ever have a direction?

Scribbling away my imagination,
Oblivious to my current situation,
Inviting stares from all direction,
Oops, I am the centre of attraction,

Smells from the kitchen tickle my sensation,
Dreamy is my state of realisation,
Thoughts of the yonder beckon my attention,
Its time to bid adieu to this rendition,
My Random Thoughts collection..

Saturday, June 18, 2016

a promise 5 year old

On a similar weekend 5 years ago came together two strangers into the bond of matrimony and life has been ever since...!

Ah, 5 years ago and it just seems like yesterday. Time has flown, I have grown, things around have changed yet it just seems like yesterday. Finding a match for me was never an easy task and my fickle minded decision making process only made things worse. One thing arranged marriage has taught me (even before I got married) was to be strong with your decisions and hold on to it all cost. In the midst of few very sorry moments came this match, a photo of a chubby guy wearing a t shirt that said "New York" (he still has the t shirt, I want to believe he loves to cherish it :p). Working in a company called Telcordia with a degree in MSC Software Engineering, I still don't understand how i gave a go ahead on this. You see I was looking at guys only with a professional qualification and MSc with my exposure at that age did not qualify, yet I went ahead thanks to the horoscope matching priest who said that this sambandham is to die for! Today, I thank my lucky stars for having said yes to meet the guy.

We met in the temple my favourite Parthasarthy temple, this guy came dressed in formals with neatly tucked in shirt. First look it took my breath away, the guy in the photo and the guy I was seeing were totally different and I liked the version I was seeing better, he had lost 10 kgs and was looking way toooo smart. If looks could kill (in a nice way) I was totally bowled over. To move on to how I looked, I was dressed in a fab india kurtha, pant and dupatta all of which together costed around 3K, wonder why I am talking about the cost.. you see my husband tells me it looked like pichakara dress (wonder why he still said yes) though I believed it to be well groomed professional way of meeting the guy. Introductions happened and we moved on to get a darshan of Govinda and all the while, I , was the only one stealing secret glimpses while he was totally focused on the conversations he was having with my dad. Another bowled over moment, it was big deal to me then that a guy would not give me a second look back then and this qualified him to the status of a gentleman.

We moved on and the families decided to allow us to talk. We went around the temple and the guy did a lot of serious talking, to be honest I dont remember any of it, but i do remember nodding and listening to most of it. He could communicate really well and I was so totally impressed that all I could do was simply listen and stare at him (I still do it most of the time, in my house the husband runs the show you see:D). Of course in the midst of all this I did my share to impress him and knowing the temple so well I did play a role of a gracious host. Later after becoming husband and wife when I casually asked him about that meeting he said, he felt being bossed around while I thought I was playing a role of a humble host! Looks like while i was drooling over his looks and his communication he had used his professional expertise to evaluate the "interview" and come to a decision. After marriage I also came to know how naive I had been, I did no research about this guy, had no agenda to discuss during the one on one, I had just taken it by the moment. My husband on the other hand had googled about me, looked into my profile, read my blogs (thank god I had blogged and written some strong opinionated post back then) and had come prepared with his expectations from a better half. They left and before my dad could ask I told them I was 100% in and I also told them I am not sure about what the guy would say as I hardly did any talking! In an hours time we got a go ahead from them as well to have another meeting. The wait began and 15 days after the first meeting things got formalised and finally we exchanged numbers.

We started talking and it was mostly my husband who did all the talking, you see I was still in that medapu.. he looked much smarter than the photo :P We met first time alone on valentine's day, for all those who know me I really dont care for such things but destiny had other plans, today I look forward to that day like any other love stricken female, as it is the day we actually met. Again totally impressed with all the gifts he presented that day, he came over to my office with a bouquet of flowers which I blushingly accepted (u got it right blushing as he gave the flowers in front of my office reception and all the receptionist were totally giggling), got a teddy bear, some chocolates, a jewel set and a cute greeting card. Too impressed I was tongue tied that day and again he did all the talking. Today when you talk to him he will tell you those were the only two days in which he did all the talking and I the listening!

Days passed and it was soon the wedding weekend. I was going about getting ready like any other bride but deep down I was a total wretch, nervous, short tempered, anxious and what not! It is only during your wedding you understand the feelings a bride goes through especially the last night as a spinster which she spends in her place before going to the mandap. When I told him what I was going through.. he very simply said that he can promise me a happy, enjoyable life with a very loving and sweet family and that I could be what I want. It did little to cool my nervous back then but today when I look back 5 years ago it was a big thing to promise, especially when we hardly knew each other. I am grateful that for all my vices (though they are small yet many in number) he has held on to his word.. and gives the freedom to be what I choose to be..

What can I say but be grateful to that force for choosing a smart and cute life partner for me. To him all I can say is thank you for being there not just as a husband, but as friend, a critic, mentor, a sponsor, a boss, a mirror that reflects me to myself.. and most of all thank you for keeping that promise 5 years old!!!!

I wonder if he so vividly remembers that promise, but thanks to this post he would never ever forgot it in his life. Its not very easy to have me as a life partner as i am truly a bundle of assorted emotions and sarcastic comments are my way of life to take it all in the stride is what makes him so loving and sweet. Am off to celebrate my day and I will give you an update may be 5 years later of a promise 5 years old...

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Is it worth all the energy...

At work I love to do a lot of talking, be it putting forth my ideas, debating about the rights and wrongs, explaining things, or just plain gossip and cribbing. I do all of it and I do it most of the time. Today was as usual at work, I had put forth my idea and it was shot down. I was asked to see the bigger picture. My first reaction was to crib. For the next hour or so, every human being that I met on the floor, I kept cribbing and went about telling how right I was and how wrong they were, my justifications were a lot and I was in a complete defensive mode (by the way thats my usual). Of course I did save my skin by putting a caveat to all those who care to listen 'may be they are right, but this is how i was taught to think, not sure what I am missing here'.

We went out for a team lunch and I got back home. With my defensive mode still "on", I took a phone call from my colleague at work, and he was one of those persons I had missed cribbing while at office. We discussed work and I started cribbing immediately, as I was talking I realised that I might have been on speaker (my boss's desk was just couple of desks away from this guy) and what if my boss was hearing the conversation!!?? At this thought the very tone of my conversation changed and I ended it on a positive note stating I was pleased with my role and felt it gave me a lot of scope to learn and grow. I am sure the guy was surprised with my sudden love towards the role. 

This incident kept lingering and got me thinking. Why all this cribbing? Why is the sudden change of tone at the thought that I might be heard by my boss? Why this facade? These questions kept haunting me.. and then I realised "what a disease, this cribbing is?". It gave me sense of being right and it helped my ego to remain intact. The right thing would have been to convince my boss about my idea without taking a "no" for an answer or to get convinced about the bigger picture he was referring to. These two options would have helped me gain out of the experience, instead I chose a lesser option of cribbing to satiate by ego. I realise that cribbing is nothing but an act of cowardice, the more I do the lesser I become, for all the opportunities to grow would be lost in the process.

So I told myself, the next time I catch myself cribbing, I will need to give myself a good shake and find a solution. Next time I hear someone cribbing, may be I will just let it be or may be I share this post and leave them with the thought.. "is it worth all the energy??!!!"